The Perpetuation of Sadness





By: Glenda

Some widowers, perpetuate sadness for themselves and for the family by memorializing the death of their former wife. Most often the memorializing isn't orchestrated by him but rather is orchestrated for him by others. When this occurs should he participate?

While this may sound harmless and innocent to those around them, when a new wife or new love is present in their lives, there needs to be a realignment that occurs for the widower.

He realigns himself on the side of the living, if he chooses not to do this, then the perpetuation of sadness will continue on for as long as the friends and the family members see fit. This perpetuation of sadness will cause strife in the new relationship. It causes strife because where in the new relationship is there a point to this perpetuation? There is no point.

The memorializing is not respectful to the life he is now living. A husband is a man who stands by his wife and celebrates the future with her. Memorializing of a former spouse is sending mixed signals and incorrect messages to those who want to continue dredging up the past because they truly believe that he WANTS to be a part of it.

If he continues on with their plans to commemorate, her birthday, their wedding anniversary, her death day.... I'd have to conclude, he does this because he wants to.

Is that OK with you? I suspect its not. There is nothing at all wrong with expressing your desire to see that such memorializing ceases. How long has she been gone? How long have the two of you been a couple? How long should this go on? My conclusion is that if it hasn't ceased with the funeral day, then at the very minimum it ought to cease when he has found new love. Others may have motivations for him not to forget..... their beloved daughter, their beloved friend, their beloved mother...... and chances are he won't forget her. However, he is no longer in a position to be publicly expressing sadness over the death of his former spouse because his life has changed.

Death is sad because it forces the prior union to no longer exist. The widowed man is free to date and to marry again. When he makes this choice to be with someone else, the memorializing also needs to cease. Will this decision of his hurt others? Possibly, but his one concern is to the life he has chosen for himself today. Not the life he chose years ago. The life which, no longer exists.

Copyright 2007 - WLW



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