widowers, perpetuate sadness for themselves and for the family by memorializing
the death of their former wife. Most often the memorializing isn't orchestrated
by him but rather is orchestrated for him by others. When this occurs should he
While this may sound harmless and innocent to those around them, when a new
wife or new love is present in their lives, there needs to be a realignment
that occurs for the widower.
He realigns himself on the side of the living, if he chooses not to do this,
then the perpetuation of sadness will continue on for as long as the friends
and the family members see fit. This perpetuation of sadness will cause strife
in the new relationship. It causes strife because where in the new relationship
is there a point to this perpetuation? There is no point.
The memorializing is not respectful to the life he is now living. A husband is a
man who stands by his wife and celebrates the future with her. Memorializing of
a former spouse is sending mixed signals and incorrect messages to those who
want to continue dredging up the past because they truly believe that he WANTS
to be a part of it.
If he continues on with their plans to commemorate, her birthday, their wedding
anniversary, her death day.... I'd have to conclude, he does this because he
Is that OK with you? I suspect its not. There is nothing at all wrong with
expressing your desire to see that such memorializing ceases. How long has she
been gone? How long have the two of you been a couple? How long should this go
on? My conclusion is that if it hasn't ceased with the funeral day, then at the
very minimum it ought to cease when he has found new love. Others may have
motivations for him not to forget..... their beloved daughter, their beloved
friend, their beloved mother...... and chances are he won't forget her.
However, he is no longer in a position to be publicly expressing sadness over
the death of his former spouse because his life has changed.
Death is sad because it forces the prior union to no longer exist. The widowed
man is free to date and to marry again. When he makes this choice to be with
someone else, the memorializing also needs to cease. Will this decision of his
hurt others? Possibly, but his one concern is to the life he has chosen for himself
today. Not the life he chose years ago. The life which, no longer exists.
Copyright 2007 - WLW